This is the third time I've restarted this journal in as many years. I always forget about it. After about half an hour of typing in numerous old passwords, I remembered the correct one. So here I am. I figured I need somewhere to vent at the moment.
After everything with the pregnancy over Christmas, and then the stress of losing my job because of it and subsequently not having any money, and probably a million and one other things, I think I am depressed.. And it is scaring the shit out of me. I went through all this once already. For two years, from being sixteen years old. It was the worst time of my life. The things I did to myself, the thoughts I was having... Being like that again terrifies me. It makes me sick to my stomach when I remember the way I would calmly sit and drag a blade across my skin. The way I would sit and cry for hours and have all these terrible thoughts running through my head. About life, my family, my friends... I felt like the whole world was against me. Like nobody understood, and there was absolutely no way out. I felt completely worthless. One of my favourite films is "Girl, Interrupted". One of my favourite quotes from the film is this;
"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside."
That is how I felt the whole time. There were a couple other things, as well. Apparently, I was the proud owner of a "Borderline Personality" ...
"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is defined within psychiatry and related psychological fields as a disorder characterized primarily by emotional dysregulation, extreme "black and white" thinking, or "splitting" (believing that something is one of only two possible things, and ignoring any possible "in-betweens"), and turbulent relationships. It can also be described by mental health professionals as a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior, and a disturbance in the individual's sense of self."
That was me. Completely. At the end of my illness, I was diagnosed as "Recovered". I don't think I ever fully recovered, that description has always been me on some level. But lately I've felt myself lashing out. A lot. Over stupid little things that don't even matter. And my thinking patterns have become more... Well... Irate, I suppose. Been having terrible nightmares, too. I know that sounds really childish, but believe me they are awful. I'm not going to write about them because honestly, it scares me to think about it. But as a result I've hardly been getting any sleep. Which explains me being online at almost 3am. And I've been having weird mental images. Take yesterday. I was looking at the tattoo on my wrist and I suddenly got an image of dragging a razor over the lines. Before that, I was looking at myself in the mirror and I had a flash of myself looking like I was dead and rotting away with my throat slit. It may sound funny reading it, but it really is scary. I've found myself crying a lot recently. Sometimes because of things I'm thinking, sometimes for no apparent reason. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not living. Just existing. I don't like it. Let's rewind to last summer. I was having an amazing time. Re-connecting with old friends. Just spending days doing random things and loving every minute. I was living for the moment - going from one happy time to the next. I made so many wonderful memories those few months that I will never forget. Now, try as I might, I cannot for the life of me get those feelings back. It's like they were never there. I'm just... Empty. I don't want to go out. But I don't want to stay in. I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. And when I do eat I want to throw up. More correctly, I want to make myself throw up. I'm worried I'm going to get bullimia again. And worrying about everything just makes me even more on edge. I'm trying to get my life back on track. I have a job interview tomorrow. I need this job. Really. But to be honest the way I'm feeling right now I'd rather just coast along. Doing nothing. Being nothing. Just... Being. I suppose.
I am NOT going to cut myself. I have too many scars already. And like I said earlier, the thought of doing that to myself all over again just makes me sick. I do not understand, at this moment in time, how I could have done that to myself. I can remember my reasoning behind it, and although at the time it seemed perfectly logical, right now it seems, well, silly. But if things keep going the way they are, my thought patterns could soon switch back. Or it could be worse. I thought to myself yesterday, "I am stronger than that this time". But maybe, its that I'm much weaker, and don't have the strength to do it. I remember before, I used to pray for the courage to just press down that little bit harder. But it never came. So maybe, it's because I'm weak. But either way, hopefully it won't go there.
I'm just desperately trying to cling to life as it was before. I know things can never be the same. Not completely. But I am so scared of going down this road. At this point, I guess I'm already halfway there. I know I'm completely powerless to stop it. I just have to ride it out and see where it takes me. Hopefully I'll come out alright through the other side.