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Website. [March 01, 2007 @ 12:52am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

Hm. I want another website. I used to have a few websites, years ago... I wish I'd kept my coding & layouts now. I can't remember how to do any of it!! And it's only been about 3 years... Oish. Annoying.
On a better note, I've calmed down now.

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Really Pissed Right Now. [February 28, 2007 @ 9:05pm]
My mum got me some Kalms. Supposed to help you sleep. I looked at the label, it said "take 3 or 4 an hour before going to bed". I told her this. She didn't believe me. She had to go and read it for herself.
I was in the bathroom. She was outside. She said, "How many of these have you taken? The bottles half empty!!!" I said, "None, mum. Not yet". "I don't believe you, Chantelle". I flipped. I kicked the bathroom door a few times, punched a few walls... Now my hands hurt like fuck and theres a gaping hole in the bathroom door.
I can understand she'd be wary because I OD'ed a couple of weeks ago but fucking COME ON give me some credit. So pissed off.
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Insert Title Here [February 28, 2007 @ 6:17pm]
[ mood | drained ]

I can't really think of much to write. But out of boredom and lack of nothing better to do, here I am. I still feel like shit. I got just under an hour of sleep last night. This is fucking stupid. I need some goddamn rest!!! I swear to god. My next appointment is on Friday with the mental health workers, but I don't see my psych until 9th. Actually, that's the day I see the clinical psychologist too. God knows why I have to see her aswell. Never mind. Hopefully after this weeks over they'll have some idea of wtf is wrong with me and then they'll get to treating it. Maybe then I'll feel like something's being done. Cause right now I feel completely hopeless. I was crying most of last night. I was sitting there staring at spiders climbing all over the bed and walls and just crying hysterically. Not good. Obviously I realise it was a hallucination but it doesn't make it any less scary. I just cannot deal with this any more, mentally or physically. There is only so much one person can take. And lord knows, I reached my limit a long time ago. I keep thinking "I'm going to crack", but that's already happened. I never knew things could be so bad. I just wish I could slam someone against the wall and say, "look THIS is the situation and what the FUCK are YOU going to do about it?!" I hate my life right now. It isn't even a life. I'm not living, I'm existing.
All day I have been physically sick. Cannot keep any food down. And I've been freezing cold for the last couple of days. A side effect of sleep deprivation? I don't know. All I know is I want it to STOP. NOW.
I'm just crying all the time because I feel so hopeless. I don't want to live. But I don't have the strength to take my life. I feel so pathetic. It's like I'm stuck in some kind of weird limbo, with all these people stood crowding me, and I'm bleeding to death and everyone just carries on their business as if nothing is wrong.
I need help. I am TRYING to get it. WHY aren't you GIVING it to me??

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3 Hours, 4 Nights. [February 27, 2007 @ 2:20pm]
[ mood | tired ]

I've had 3 hours sleep in the last 4 nights. I am exhausted, physically speaking. Mentally, I am still wide awake. My mind is racing. It's weird because it's hard to verballise my thoughts, but they're still there. I feel like my mind is going a million to one. That doesn't even make any sense. I don't even know what I'm saying. My head is everywhere. I can hardly move. Can hardly speak. Can hardly walk. I hate this. So much.

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Writing... [February 27, 2007 @ 1:52am]
[ mood | artistic ]

I'm having a "creative" streak recently... Some of the things I've written...


The angel flies above the clouds.
Wings unbound.
She unprepared for this
first-hand view of life.
... She stumbles.

__________



I'm hiding the details behind the city lights. Behind the facades of buildings and the gossip of the city at noon.
Where have you gone?
Remember when we talked in the dark with only the glow of your smile?
We watched the stars hang upside-down and fall into our eyes. We've seen too many beautiful faces, it makes us ashamed of our own.
I keep saying you're not one of them but you'd never believe that.
Sometimes it seems that you find peace in your denial.

(you have my sympathy)
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Been A While [February 27, 2007 @ 1:13am]
Truth be told, I forgot about this journal. A lot has happened since my last entry. My 21st Birthday was on the 3rd, and that went without incident. I really did not want to celebrate it. Maybe I'll make up for it next year. We'll see...

I'm off sick from work at the moment. I feel really bad about it, because I had only been there two full weeks. But they have been really amazing about it. They sent me a "Get Well Soon" card and have given me sick pay etc. I think I really got a break with that job. I just hope it won't be too long before I can go back. Not yet though. Not for a few weeks, at least. I have a sick note for the next 4 weeks, so I'll just have to see what happens after that.

I joined MS again. I really missed being there. And most of the people there are lovely :) really supportive.
I finally broke down about my pregnancy situation. I still haven't cried, though. I think I have forgotten how to cry about my own problems. It's not that I dont want to, its just everything seems to sink in and I go "ok" and just move on... But even now, when I'm trying to work through it... No tears. And that is quite strange for me. But now that I think on it, it's been like that for a while. I don't cry at my own problems. And it's not because I'm trying to be strong, although I do try to be a lot of the time... There is no reason I wouldn't be able to break down behind closed doors. But I can't. I'm not sure why. Anyway I'm babbling.
So yeah. On sick from work. It's getting to the point now where I can't ignore it any more. And I've been thrown into a deep, DEEP depression. And my moods are everywhere. My anger is at fever pitch. It's like I've had a breakdown or something. Maybe I have, I don't know. I'm in the middle of an assessment from a team of Psychologists at Rosedale, so we'll see what the outcome is. I mean, I've known I haven't been "all there" for years, but well y'know, I could deal. Now, I can't. And my ED is coming back with a vengeance. I'm trying to curb it. There will always be relapses, I think, but I've been doing pretty well for the last 4 days. One step at a time, right?

Tried to kill myself on 13th. Ended up in A&E and then in hospital for 2 nights. I almost did it again last night. Almost. The thoughts haven't gone away, and the voices are just getting louder... Shouting at me, telling me I'm fucking weak, telling me I should just go ahead and fucking do it. But, I know, if I WAS successful, the last thing I would hear would be them saying "oh, you pathetic bitch". I can't win with them. I'm torn. I wish I could get better. But it's hard when I don't understand what it is that's wrong with me. On one hand, I want SO MUCH to be alright and just live a "normal" life. But on the other hand, I wish I could just leave this world behind and forget about it all. It's just so FRUSTRATING when it seems like noones really LISTENING.
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Mornin'! [February 02, 2007 @ 8:21am]
[ mood | tired ]

Good morning! I think I'm finally getting used to all this "dragging self out of bed early" malarkey. My Dad has to take me to work today. My engine light came on in my car a couple days ago sooo it's in the garage while they figure out whats up with it. God knows when I'll have it back but they said they'd call me at some point today to let me know what's going on. I want another car. I KNOW I only just got that one. But I get bored easily. That's just me. I want a big car. Like a Vecrta or something. Actually just anything. But I want a big car. I'll never get one. Not for a while anyways. Meh.

Right. Gotta get ready for work.
Laters!


PS. Not feeling too bad at the moment :)

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I'm The Girl... [January 29, 2007 @ 7:51pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I'M THE GIRL...

I'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because she's sleepy, but because she wants to be closer to you...

I'm the girl who likes to be kissed under the stars, more than inside your bedroom or in a expensive resturant...

I'm the girl who holds your hand and plays with it....

I'm the girl who doesn't mind you playing with her hair....

I'm the girl who stares into your eyes looking for what you see in me.......

I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss...

I'm the girl who will take care of you when you are sick...

I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything...

I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes...

I'm the girl who will listen to you talk...

I'm the girl who loves when you hug me for no apparent reason...

I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead....

I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us...

I'm the girl who will love you unconditionally for the rest of your life.
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Mornings suck. [January 26, 2007 @ 8:19am]
[ mood | tired ]

I hate mornings. I hate having to drag my sorry backside out of bed to go and actually do something productive. It's been so long since I've done this... Let me think... August was the last time I had a job with early hours, and usually it was only a couple days a week that I started at 9:00. Before that it was when I was at Bookworld every Saturday and Sunday. That was over 2 years ago! Oish!

Something I forgot to jot down yesterday - I had a little "mini-interview" whilst I was at work yesterday. Sooz said it was completely pointless but had to follow procedure. Then she asked me about 4 interview questions out of I'd say around 15 by the looks of the sheets. Then she said "oh bugger procedure, I'm sorry but I'm not asking any more, it's pointless". So yeah. One of the ones she asked me was about references - what they'd say about me. One of the references they asked for was my last employer. I had to explain about the leaving situation at Rileys. I know you're not supposed to bitch about your last job and ex-manager to one of the bosses at your new job, but I put it as nicely as I thought I could. Sooz said, "God she's Miss. Sensitivity, isn't she?!" So yeah it was fine. She said she wouldn't contact Diane. Which is a shame cause apart from the way it ended I was a brilliant employee there. Always did more than was asked, always dragged my butt in to work when others called in sick... Meh. Such is life. Anyways they said they'd use my other reference. Not an employer, but I know I'll get a shining reference from them :) Which is always nice!!

Anyways it's now 8:25am. Need to get ready so I can set off for 9:00.

Oooh and it's Stacy's 21st night out tonight. It'll be good :) First her house, then New Clarence, then Fuel if we're still standing. Wahey! And then Sim's 21st tomorrow night. God I'm gonna love Sunday! Hehe :)

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First Day. New Job. [January 25, 2007 @ 9:55pm]
[ mood | content ]

Went pretty well actually. Got to sleep at about 1am. Was woken up at 7:15. Not too bad. Getting there. I wanted to be asleep this evening by 9:30 but thats flown out the window...

Anyways. Work was pretty good. The stuff I have to do to begin with seems pretty straight forward. Could get very mundane if I had to do just that for years on end, but they said at most it'll be a month of just doing that then when I'm more confident they'll give me more to do. I don't have time to get bored. It's all go from when I get in at 9 until about 2:30. And then its a little more relaxed for the next 30-45 mins but still work to be done... After that, bugger all really. The odd little thing. It's good :) Went really quickly today. I would say that's just because there was so much to take in, but there wasn't really. It's just a fast-paced place. Ha. Try saying that ten times when youre pissed! Speaking of which, got a busy weekend...

Anyways. Feeling a lot better in myself the last couple days. Must be on an up. Lol :) Well, lets hope it lasts!!

i love you, angel.
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Not A Bad Day Actually! [January 24, 2007 @ 5:36pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I have had a pretty good day today. Didn't get to sleep until 7am, and then got up at 11:20, but I don't care! Earlier on wasn't all that nice really. One of my best friends, William.. It was his Dad's funeral today. I cried. A lot. I just cannot believe he's gone. The whole service I was just staring at his coffin with his picture on top - I could not believe he wasn't there. Can't quite believe I'm not going to see him pottering around his back garden when I look out my bedroom window. Doesn't seem right. Makes you realise how fragile and how precious life is. Which is why I'm determined to look on the bright side of life and not get pulled into too much negativity. Not gonna be a walk in the park, considering my state of mind at the moment, but I can do my best. I spoke to William at the wake, gave him a big hug. He said he was alright, and was smiling but I can see right through him. He's completely torn. He was laughing and joking about his dad but I could pinpoint at least 5 times when he was blinking back tears. I know he has to stay strong - or he thinks he does - for his mum and his brother, but I told him he could always come to me if he just wanted a shoulder or an ear. I'm always here for him. He is my oldest friend... Known him since I was seven years old. He means SO much to me. I hate to see him in pain.

Anyway. I'm going to start crying again if I think about that for much longer. I had my job interview, and left the wake to get to it at 2:30. Stopped off at home, finished getting ready and set off. I'm guessing I got there at about 3:25 (the interview was scheduled for 3:30). Went in, said "Hello" to the woman, and we sat down. I looked at her, smiled... She looked at me and said "Right then! You can start tomorrow at 9:00 if you want to?". And then there's me completely speechless. I think I said something like "Umm.. Err.. Well, yeah, great! Wow!" Always had a way with words, me!

Just looked at the time, have been writing this for one and a half hours. I need to stop being so easily distracted.

Ooh, William just came round to see how I did in my job interview. That was really nice of him :) put a smile on my face! He said his mum's very drunk. Perfectly understandable.

Righto. Am going to go now.

P.S. Thank you for being so amazing, Jonathan :) means the world to me.
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New Beginning. Again. [January 24, 2007 @ 2:24am]
[ mood | worried ]

This is the third time I've restarted this journal in as many years. I always forget about it. After about half an hour of typing in numerous old passwords, I remembered the correct one. So here I am. I figured I need somewhere to vent at the moment.

After everything with the pregnancy over Christmas, and then the stress of losing my job because of it and subsequently not having any money, and probably a million and one other things, I think I am depressed.. And it is scaring the shit out of me. I went through all this once already. For two years, from being sixteen years old. It was the worst time of my life. The things I did to myself, the thoughts I was having... Being like that again terrifies me. It makes me sick to my stomach when I remember the way I would calmly sit and drag a blade across my skin. The way I would sit and cry for hours and have all these terrible thoughts running through my head. About life, my family, my friends... I felt like the whole world was against me. Like nobody understood, and there was absolutely no way out. I felt completely worthless. One of my favourite films is "Girl, Interrupted". One of my favourite quotes from the film is this;

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside."


That is how I felt the whole time. There were a couple other things, as well. Apparently, I was the proud owner of a "Borderline Personality" ...

"Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is defined within psychiatry and related psychological fields as a disorder characterized primarily by emotional dysregulation, extreme "black and white" thinking, or "splitting" (believing that something is one of only two possible things, and ignoring any possible "in-betweens"), and turbulent relationships. It can also be described by mental health professionals as a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in mood, interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior, and a disturbance in the individual's sense of self."


That was me. Completely. At the end of my illness, I was diagnosed as "Recovered". I don't think I ever fully recovered, that description has always been me on some level. But lately I've felt myself lashing out. A lot. Over stupid little things that don't even matter. And my thinking patterns have become more... Well... Irate, I suppose. Been having terrible nightmares, too. I know that sounds really childish, but believe me they are awful. I'm not going to write about them because honestly, it scares me to think about it. But as a result I've hardly been getting any sleep. Which explains me being online at almost 3am. And I've been having weird mental images. Take yesterday. I was looking at the tattoo on my wrist and I suddenly got an image of dragging a razor over the lines. Before that, I was looking at myself in the mirror and I had a flash of myself looking like I was dead and rotting away with my throat slit. It may sound funny reading it, but it really is scary. I've found myself crying a lot recently. Sometimes because of things I'm thinking, sometimes for no apparent reason. A lot of the time I feel like I'm not living. Just existing. I don't like it. Let's rewind to last summer. I was having an amazing time. Re-connecting with old friends. Just spending days doing random things and loving every minute. I was living for the moment - going from one happy time to the next. I made so many wonderful memories those few months that I will never forget. Now, try as I might, I cannot for the life of me get those feelings back. It's like they were never there. I'm just... Empty. I don't want to go out. But I don't want to stay in. I can't sleep. I don't want to eat. And when I do eat I want to throw up. More correctly, I want to make myself throw up. I'm worried I'm going to get bullimia again. And worrying about everything just makes me even more on edge. I'm trying to get my life back on track. I have a job interview tomorrow. I need this job. Really. But to be honest the way I'm feeling right now I'd rather just coast along. Doing nothing. Being nothing. Just... Being. I suppose.

I am NOT going to cut myself. I have too many scars already. And like I said earlier, the thought of doing that to myself all over again just makes me sick. I do not understand, at this moment in time, how I could have done that to myself. I can remember my reasoning behind it, and although at the time it seemed perfectly logical, right now it seems, well, silly. But if things keep going the way they are, my thought patterns could soon switch back. Or it could be worse. I thought to myself yesterday, "I am stronger than that this time". But maybe, its that I'm much weaker, and don't have the strength to do it. I remember before, I used to pray for the courage to just press down that little bit harder. But it never came. So maybe, it's because I'm weak. But either way, hopefully it won't go there.

I'm just desperately trying to cling to life as it was before. I know things can never be the same. Not completely. But I am so scared of going down this road. At this point, I guess I'm already halfway there. I know I'm completely powerless to stop it. I just have to ride it out and see where it takes me. Hopefully I'll come out alright through the other side.

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